I had been putting this off the back of my head for some time now. I just could not find the time to pen it down. But one day I chanced upon Joseph’s blog (www.josephauxano.blogspot.com), and I was inspired and impacted by his life story. It set me thinking about my life story and how God had transformed me and turned my life around. Hence, I want to write about my life into this blog and hope that through this little story, it could set you thinking about your life and be glad of the little miracles and transformations that you have experienced.
“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Matt 5:16
You could have been some of the lucky few that had the privilege to hear of my life story face-to-face. I am usually very reserved about my past and would seldom share unless I deem fit to do so. Putting this on my blog would represent a significant part of my courage out on public view, but I pray this could impact you!
My life is His song. So the tune here goes.
I was born into a family with two elder sisters. My father was a businessman and my mum was a homemaker. I was very pampered and cared for being the youngest in the family. However, bounded by traditional mindsets, I was subjected to verbal discouragement and abuse by my then critical Dad, who did not think I could make it in life.
I felt like a loser whenever I made some mistakes in life as a young man. Instead of encouragement, I received discouragement and scolding. As a result, I was emotionally shutdown and did not care about the things around me. There were times where there were arguments (and I mean shouting) flying across the house, I just hid myself in my room. I hated my Dad in the past for being verbally abusive, but I respected him that he might be right but just do not know how to express his stand.
The ‘loser’ feeling stuck to me like demon to my soul. Whenever I felt like a loser, especially in my studies in secondary school, I get very upset with myself. I seem to be an approachable and friendly guy on the surface to many of my friends, but (in retrospect) deep down within me, I was self-centered and manipulative. I was ambitious in my heart and keep devising ways to beat other people in life. Challenging others were means to tell myself- I am not a ‘loser’.
“But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of judgment.”
Matt 5:21
I was in a Christian secondary school back then, I had been through bible studies and church assemblies. All those words in the Bible were just answers to test papers while church people always had motives to ‘convert’ me. They had no impact to my life and I had always thought that I had no one to turn to except myself. My destiny had to be controlled by me and no one else. I had overlooked the genuine love others had sown to me and had absolutely no capacity to receive it (emotionally shutdown remember!).
I know what is God but I do not know who God is!
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
1 John 4:7-8
Turning point came.
3 areas of inner struggle led myself to the lowest point of my life during the army days. Soon I sunk myself into depression and lost much will to move on. All these while, I bared the grief and kept to myself.
First, verbal insults and criticism from people in the army built a lot of fear in my life. The fear I had amounted to myself not feeling confident about myself. I suffered a loss of self-esteem. My future, I thought, would be as stinking as my past. On hindsight, people in my past would have been surprised at how confident I am right now.
One reservist I had worked with, worked his life out for more than 10 years as an engineering graduate, he was still broke as hell and life empty as the pit. Hated his life for the mistakes he made and did not enjoy his work at all. It suddenly hit me-is life more than a degree? I was lost and shocked back then- surely getting a degree was all I needed to be a success in life? It was not what I see. Life is more than this and I knew it from then on.
“For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?”
Matt 16:26
I searched for other security and meaning in life, which led to my second struggle, guilt. My ambitions led me into get-rich-quick schemes such as multi-level marketing in the army. My quick enterprise helped me persuade my friends- many of them are my personal friends- to buy into my idea, making them lose hundreds of dollars. The whole idea was a scam and I had been a brainwashed victim as well. But I was struggling with guilt and could not forgive myself for taking advantage of my friends.
Lastly, I met with an accident where I broke my shoulder joint and dislocated my right shoulder. It was a horror to my life. This injury cast an emotional effect on me as I could not function like a normal person for a period of time. I felt like a total ‘loser’. My already-lowed self-esteem was brought crashing down.
Depression. I blamed God. Fear. Guilt. Shame. All rolled into one.
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”
John 16:33
I could not understand what was going on and was desperate for an answer to my entire predicament. I was longing for something or even someone- a Savior- to make all my bad attitudes and my tribulations to go away once and for all!
There was one night – I knelt down and prayed. In my army uniform and worn-out boots, I went out to a secluded place to hide. Kneeling, I cried out to the God I have heard about in my secondary school days. I promised Him that if He fixed everything in my life, I would go to church.
Things move miraculously soon. One Christian army friend decided to ask me to go to church with him one day. I was hesitant at first but I went over to check it out.
I got impacted a lot in my first visit and the pastor spoke a lot of peace into my heart. It was the first experience that I feel safe and secure in a place. I decided to come back again and then on, I rededicate my heart to Jesus.
The prodigal son returned.
Transformation came. My self-esteem seemingly got restored and I got to grips with the inevitable challenges in the army. I built my meaning and security in Jesus, suddenly faith in my life gave me hope and freedom, and suddenly I felt the inner optimism about my future. This is the kind of feeling that could not be explained in a few words- you HAVE TO EXPERIENCE it yourself!
My friendships were restored as I humbled myself to ask for forgiveness for the folly that I have made. My kinship with my parents, especially my Dad, were restored and love in the family grew. In fact, both my parents received Jesus because they saw my change. Soon came peace in the household. I also found the love of my life amongst my group of church friends- whom has now been with me for more than 4 years! From a life filled with low self-esteem and self-centredness, its quite hard to imagine that I have the capacity to love!
“He who does not love does not know God, for God is love”
1 John 4:8
I rose to the occasion while in the army. I am given leadership roles such as the vehicle commander, control-in-charge and pass-changing officer while my capacity and self-optimism increased. Back in church, I served my brothers and sisters by playing the guitar, making birthday cards and counseling.
Lastly, my shoulder injury was miraculously healed after 4 years on! It would not be possible without His intervention.
“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matt 19:26
With this I have to end this chapter of my story. The journey did not end here and should I tell more it would be a few more chapters. My life in NUS had been a moulding period where God dealt a lot with my character as a maturing Christian. Right now, I am looking forward to more stories in my blog coming up! And I do hope that my life chapter could share some light with you and only you can make your own decision, make it the right one.
“When the caterpillar calls it the end of the world, the Master calls it a butterfly”
- Anonymous
